Happy Veteran's Day!!

Yesterday the country honored our veteran's. For the first time ever, I actually honored my own father. For the sacrifice that he made to our country...xtremely thankful and grateful that his bravery and courage to serve this country, has afforded me the opportunity to live in the United States where I know what freedom is. His sacrifice allowed me the freedom to make my own choices in regards to religion, education, travel, etc. A sacrifice that I never truly understood and appreciated until now.

My father did two tours of Vietnam, when he came back he was shell shocked, depressed and addicted to drugs and alcohol…basically he was never the same person. The shell shocked, drug addicted man was the only father I had ever known. I was too young to know what he was like before Vietnam. I only hear stories of what a great person he was, before the war, and how great of a parentnt he was to my older sister and cousins.

My parents separated when I was 2 because my mother just didn't feel safe living in the house anymore, he had "night terrors" every time he fell asleep. If he was asleep, my sister said they were warned to never walk up and shake him or touch him…Let him sleep or touch him with a broom handle from as far away as you could! The last straw was the night my mom woke up and found him aiming a shotgun through the bars of my crib….in his mind I wasn't his child but a child of war that was throwing a grenade at him...

Growing up I HATED him! I felt that he was selfish and weak. I could never understand how other veterans that came home were able to resume their normal lives and he just couldn’t get it together. Over and over this he disappointed me…so many events that he never showed up to, birthdays he missed, weekends he was supposed to pick me up and was a no call/no show! The incident that stands out the most was the day I was baptized…I remember being in front of the church and seeing him in the audience, I was so excited and happy that he came..He walked out before I was baptized.

Didn’t he see how his behavior and demons were destroying not only him but also the people around him? I thought it was as simple as him just getting professional help or taking some medication to help with the night terrors and shell shock. It angered me that he didn’t even try to seek help….he just chose to self medicate….
When I was 7 my father just walked away….I have not talked to him again since that day and his own family has not heard from him in years…As far as we are aware, he does not know that his own mother passed away.

I understand now that it is not as easy to overcome the demons that one faces. I understand that going to war is not an easy choice, but a choice that is made with much bravery and courage. I understand now that sometimes you have to make personal sacrifices in order for others to partake of the freedom that we enjoy. I also understand that there are no clear winners and losers of war. No matter the reason we go to war, everyone loses in some aspect…and those losses affect us for the remainder of our lives.

I no longer hate my father…I am proud of the soldier that he was, the sacrifice that he made, the courage that he showed…I mourn all that he lost, the person he became, the father that I never knew.